On Friendship and Relationships
Friendship has been one of the most elusive things in my life, up until adulthood at least. You grow up thinking that you’re going to stay best friends with the people you meet in grade school, until they join the “it” crowd in middle school and/or high school and forget your name. I was lucky to have a friend that I’m still friends with today, and we met in third grade. We lived within walking distance of each other our whole childhood, and we were together any spare moment that we got. Through all those years of growing up, we managed to stay in the same friend group, and there’s only one other person from that group that we still talk to today. I’m happy to say that I got to see both of these dear friends get married within about a half a year of each other, and I was grateful to be a part of both of their special days.
Middle school was probably the most harsh and trying time of my life socially. Even though I didn’t really care what the cool kids were doing, I still suffered the effects of being associated with people who did. If there was a time that I was a bully and a flirt, it was middle school for me. I was linked to several acts of unkindness to others because of the people I surrounded myself with, and I didn’t stand up for myself. And even though I wouldn’t likely be friends with the person that suffered my friend group’s wrath in the form of a hate letter/petition to make her go away, I still feel bad for her and for not saying something.
As far as being a flirt, I had a boyfriend for every year of middle school, though these relationships weren’t at all serious. But I still turned down my now husband, Caleb, after dating him for a single day in sixth grade. Needless to say I think I got my clique and “it” crowd energy out of my system by the time high school rolled around.
In high school, I didn’t wander much outside my middle school friend group unless someone sought me out. I was learning how to deal with serious crushes and people who say they’re your friends but just use you to get to the boys YOU like and to use your cellphone on the down low during school. I mostly stayed in my lane and let people run me over, but sometimes I would take my own friends for granted as well. When I started dating the band nerd that my cousin claimed “was such a sweetheart and needed a friend,” I almost lost Caleb for good, along with another friend that I’m not even friends with now. After giving them a letter of apology, they both forgave me and life went on.
There would be a lot of relationship drama that would ensue for the next two and a half years of my high school career, and understandably Caleb wasn’t interested in hearing about it, yet he stood on the sidelines and remained one of my closest friends. Through those adolescent ups and downs I realized what was important, and luckily I made the right choice in the end. And I thought that my petty backstabbing days were behind me, but it wouldn’t be until well into my college years that I learned that some people never grow up.
Caleb and I went through a dark time that most people don’t know about, but it all boils down to me learning that one of my friends that I knew for half my life wasn’t a true friend after all. And just like that I lost a constant in my life and Caleb lost one too, including another childhood friend that chose the wrong side. It’s all so silly now, and I don’t even refer to them by their names anymore. All I know is that it’s now an unfortunate and terrible part of our story. All of this to say, maybe I should have guessed that the “friend” that pulled me and my best friends’ hair in middle school, who bashed my head into the desk during a game of “Heads Down Thumbs Up,” the “friend” that made a joke to me at a sleepover at my grandma’s house about wetbacks and construction workers, the “friend” who guilt tripped me for not sneaking in alcohol to a college/sorority sleepover - again at my grandma’s house - while knowing full well I didn’t drink at the time and proceeded to make me feel bad in front of all the other sorority girls, wasn’t a true friend after all. The breaking point had to happen years later when she tried to destroy my relationship and my upcoming wedding. But let me tell you I’ve learned my lesson.
In college, I met a couple girls in the local sorority before it went national, and we’re still close friends to this day. I’m grateful for these two constants in my life, in a place I didn’t expect to find long lasting relationships initially. But I love them both to death and I’m so lucky to still be a part of their lives.
During my years in the DFW, I met some people that are still constants in my life. Even back in my part time daycare days, I met someone that I’ve stayed in touch with for years, and to my surprise moved to Colorado right before I did. My friend from my payroll job is in North Carolina, and we’re still close despite the distance. I’m also grateful to have our old friend and his wife here, and I’ve enjoyed rekindling that friendship and watching a brand new one blossom. Life is just super funny in this way; you never know who you might lose forever and who you might find again.
Last but certainly not least, I’m grateful for our mutual friend who is pretty much family at this point, who Caleb and I met through Caleb’s father and who we have had so many memorable days and nights with over the eight odd years we’ve known each other. From music to video games, to late night trips to Quik Trip or Waffle House, to deep conversations about life and the things we love until the wee hours, I know that no matter what we have his back and he has ours, and we love each other so deeply it can’t just be any old friendship at this point. We’ve been there for each other for all of our important mile stones and all of life’s ups and downs.
These days, I stick to my very exclusive circle, and I’m very happy with that. I have friends from all walks of life, even friends through Caleb, including their significant others. I’ve just now started to get out in the world and meet new people, but for the first time there’s no pressure. I used to hold on so tight to the hope that someone would like me the most, that I would be their best friend out of all their friends. But in truth, the fact that I worried and held on so long is the very thing that made me everyone’s last choice. It took until a couple years ago to realize that I just need to let things be, and because of that I’ve rekindled a friendship that I thought was lost forever - payroll friend, not friend who was cruel and tried to wreck my life - and I’ve opened myself up to countless possibilities, acquaintances that don’t have to be anything more than acquaintances, and stronger friendships that could only be nurtured after the bridge was set on fire. I’m finally at that sweet spot in my adult life, where I have what I have and I’m grateful for it, while continuing to be open to any new opportunities that arise. All I know for certain now is that friends come and go, some come back, some change, some get lost forever and some get found again. And I finally accept that “such is life” saying for the first time in my life.