01/02/2025: Cabin Day 5 (Cynthia)

Even when it’s painful, I’m so grateful that I can feel. The things that often inspire and move me are the things that remind me of my own life and that are raw and real. That’s why I always overkill songs I love and watch movies so much that I know every part by heart. 

It’s a comfort to come back to these things I love, and I know what to turn on when I want to feel a certain way or to process certain feelings. An even better feeling is finding something new that I can add to this limited collection of treasured experiences. 

I wish more people weren’t afraid to feel, but I know how hard that can be. It’s easier to ignore or bury those dark parts of ourselves so deep that they can never see the sun. But to our detriment, we risk not ever being our most authentic selves.

I strive each day to be honest with myself, to let those difficult thoughts and feelings come and go when they choose to. It wasn’t always that simple, of course. I remember a not so distant time where I couldn’t stand sitting in a quiet room with myself. I hated my job, I hated my diet, and I doom scrolled and binged so much meaningless content, to the point where I burned through so much time that I’ll never get back now. And when I was at my lowest point, where I thought I had no one, I was forced to ask myself what I had been doing all that for. 

Soon after that, I started to sincerely contemplate how I could embark on that necessary journey of healing, forgiveness and growth for myself, for the first time in my life. Suddenly something clicked, and I realized that I hadn’t done a single thing for me, or my own wellbeing, up to that point. And that was the most eye opening moment, that point where I knew what had been standing in my way all those years. Myself. 

And so I let the pain, the anger and uncertainty in, and I listened to those songs that gripped my heart, I watched those movies that made me cry, and I began the lifelong journey of betterment one tiny step at a time. At times it feels like we try so hard, but we have to take two steps back before we can move forward, and this happens over and over again no matter what we do. But that’s part of the process. 

We can scream and cry into that void without finding an answer. But even when we don’t realize it, we are evolving. The active choice to try is the first necessary step to truly starting.