03/13/2024: Mediocre at Best

I don’t know why it’s been so hard to be inspired and to stay in an established routine. Something always bars me mentally from persistence and success. I told myself after February that I would stop fooling around, and I feel like I’ve given that plan a mediocre effort at best. I thought I would be out of excuses by now, but I’ve managed to conjure more any time it’s convenient. I could literally die tomorrow and still I think I have time. There’s always a possibility that I have no time at all. So what am I doing wasting the time I’ve been guaranteed? 

I didn’t realize how frustrated and tired I am of this half effort I’ve been putting into my days. I’m lucky to be here, to have the privilege I have of getting to pursue my goals and I still find ways to take it for granted and squander it. 

As of today, I’m seriously done. If I can’t strap in and meet all my goals, then I deserve to return to the mundane world. I might as well be out there from 9 to 5, working myself into the ground, eating whatever I want until I need a new wardrobe, and sitting around at the end of the day letting social media and pointless consumption rot my brain before I fall into an oblivious sleep and wake up and do it all over again. 

This time last year I was just starting off on my journey, and I was so excited and driven. A far cry from where I am right now. Yes I know we’ve gone through tons of changes this year, but how long will I let that be a crutch, an excuse? Humans adapt quickly after all. I’ve mourned the things that I lost that were familiar, that were home, and I’ve accepted everything that comes with being in this new place. All that’s left to do is to find the vigor I’ve lost, and to do the things I say I’m going to do: stop overindulging and wasting time. 

I feel like these things are a distant echo, just out of my reach, like I’m almost but not quite the me I fought so hard to find. At least I’m not impossibly out of reach and out of touch with myself. But I know I’ve got my work cut out for me this year. The challenges are not the same, and my inspiration levels are fluctuating. I just have to figure out how to channel my best self in a new way, and to not let myself down, and to fulfill my goals and most importantly our dreams as I create and learn. I’m looking forward to coming into my own again as I learn to thrive in this chapter.