01/09/2025: The Ghost of Guilt Long Past

I’ve got a lot of possibilities before me as I sit down to map out my new routine. I’m a little overwhelmed as I try to incorporate all the new things I want to do and learn this year into all the things I want to keep doing like I have been. 

It shouldn’t be all that different once I’m done finalizing, but I’m trying to make sure I don’t spread myself too thin right out of the gate. And another thing that absolutely has to be brought to the forefront is scheduling a regular day and time for me to truly unplug and relax without trying to make an excuse to work. I’m trying to get to the bottom of that guilt that always bubbles to the surface when I want time to unplug and recharge without obligations getting in the way. 

I guess I feel guilty because in the past there were times that I was supposed to be working, or actively working towards something, and I know that I wasn’t. Ever since then, even though I know I’m better in a lot of ways now, that old doubt creeps in and makes me feel like I’m being dishonest somehow, even though I’ve been working consistently on something that I really believe could go somewhere one day, and I have the full support of my loved ones behind me. I think that when I should have dealt with and overcome these feelings and shortcomings in the past, I deflected and chose to be depressed about it and not deal with it. And now I’m feeling all the buried emotions from a far off and worse time that doesn’t even define me anymore. 

The sooner I can process this and look forward, the better off my future self will be. I think I just need to forgive myself for my past selves, because the people that matter don’t hold these things over my head and I know I shouldn’t either. It’s healthy to know oneself though, and I’m glad that I can always reflect and improve. I know the road I’m on is the right one, and I look forward to blazing the trail to another year filled with creativity and growth, as well as all the successes and failures along the way. 

Something that has been on my mind for a while is how you have to believe in and do things for yourself and not others, because it seems that when you announce your intentions to do something, everyone cheers you on and they’re inspired by an idea as they get caught up in the moment. But when it comes to the hard work and the journey to get there, that crowd and that support tends to thin and the journey becomes a lot more lonely. And so, whatever I do this year, I know that it has to be for me and me alone, without the expectation of help from others. But this doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for the support of the people I do have in my life.