02/21/2025: Mildly Disheartened by Just About Everything
Imposter syndrome is strong for me this week, and I’m riding the melancholy wave.
It’s one of those weeks where I’ve just needed to do anything but the creative endeavor I work on each day, so I’ve resorted to getting lost in a book world instead, and I’m three hundred pages deeper with no new stories of my own to share. But I just need to exist right now, and take a step back as I absorb what I’ve recently learned, sift through my hurt feelings, and hopefully come out on the other side better for the lessons learned and the newfound knowledge I’ve gained.
I think that there’s a time and place to wallow and stew on things, but it’s not a long term way to live. You can identify the feelings you’re feeling in such a way that you can observe them like a bystander from a distance, and let them come and go in a healthy and natural way, and that’s what I’m going to try my best to do right now. It’s just hard when there’s not much good going on outside, in a crazy world where breaking news has just become daily news. It makes that tiny ounce of hope I try to hold on to each day seem less than miniscule, especially when disappointing things happen.
The theme of the week has been mildly disheartened by just about everything. I’ll go through long stretches of silent contemplation, followed by a hearty laugh or funny thought, only to fall back into my brooding mood when the weight of everything comes crashing back down. I suppose I’m still grateful for these little reprieves, but I just wish I could get out of my own head right now.
It’s so hard to not be in control of literally anything that happens to us in our lives, but to simultaneously be in charge of our own lives. Everything seems contradictory and mostly hopeless these days. But I guess all we can do is assume as much “control” over things as we can, and just try our best to make the most of our time and our days and just try to be better in the grand scheme of our lives and the world.
I suppose that if I’m going down with the ship that there’s nothing I’d rather do than what I love with the important people in my life. Whether I ever achieve true greatness in my craft - and as a human being - or not, there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. And so I’ll learn from my recent failures, stay true to what I believe and who I am, and I’ll just pick myself up and just keep freakin’ going.