03/28/2025: Fighting the Good Fight

Today Caleb and I were talking about how brave it is to believe in yourself without support and no one believing in you. A fellow creative would agree that this is incredibly brave, and just as - if not more - lonely. 

Yesterday was the first time I felt that pure sense of quiet, that quiet that comes from no one you know or love thinking about you. It was so loud that I couldn’t ignore it, and it’s been on my mind ever since. For the first time, I felt like some unwelcome burden and presence in all of the adjacent lives I have come to know. And for the first time I know what I have to do with that: I have to keep doing the things I love and be okay with it. 

I know I mentioned it recently, but something else I heard about a month ago is still with me: 

“If you’re not doing what you love with the people that love you, you’re wasting your time.”

This person could have easily said, “with the people that you love,” but he said, “with the people that love you.” And there was just something in that distinction that meant the absolute world to me at my current point in life. When I reframe it in terms of the people that love me, I realize that there may be even fewer people on the planet that are willing to reciprocate the love and support I feel and try to show to them. And yes, at first it feels like a sucker punch to the gut; but then I stop to think how rare it is to have that pure thing with even one other soul, and I have to acknowledge how fortunate I am for that too. 

Most of the time, either we love people more than they love us, or they love us more than we love them. But sometimes, the lucky few find that perfectly imperfect middle in another person, and that beauty has to outweigh the sadness in the things we lack in life - at least I’m trying to believe that myself. Of course I get down and out about this stuff at times, but I also try to search for the good in the uncomfortable, the mediocre, the mundane and even the downright awful when I can. If I didn’t try then I would always feel alone and miserable. 

I know I’m just going through another season of change right now, so I’m introspective and vulnerable and the absence of anything I long for is vast and unbearably silent right now. But I hope I’m better for all this time I took to take a step back and reevaluate what I’ve done so far and what I have to be grateful for now. I think my sights are finally refocusing on the light at the end of the tunnel again. At least I hope. 

I’ve got so many thoughts and feelings that are warring for attention in my body and spirit that don’t have words to define or explain them, and I think that’s the worst part. Maybe most people just don’t care for deeper explanation, or maybe they’re not aimlessly searching like I am. But either way there are so many thoughts and feelings that get lost in translation, even though as humans we go through a lot of or even all of the same things. 

We’re more “in touch” than ever, with the world in the palm of our hands, and yet we’ve never been so out of touch or so far apart. I’d love for the thing I’m passionate about to one day be the reason that someone cared to look up, to be inspired or reassured that they aren’t alone. But when I struggle so much with my own place in existence, it’s hard to picture being looked up to. 

I’ve spent the better part of this month in retrospection, trying to figure out what inspired me in the first place, how much I’ve accomplished, and where I really want to go next. This has required a lot of revisits to old work and mindsets, where I was clearly ecstatic to be doing the thing I love most, with no expectations or pressures getting in the way of whatever I chose to write next out of pure enjoyment of the craft. I could feel those excited emotions in the written words, and I remembered how I felt when I stayed up late to chase that fleeting inspiration that’s even more fleeting now. It really put things into perspective for me to go back to those early stories, and I couldn’t help but smile at times as all the good memories came flooding back. 

I’ve been going through a pretty rough and persistently dark time as of late, and one day I finally just had to declare out loud that I just wished I wasn’t sad anymore. And I finally decided that it might actually help to revisit a time when I knew I was over the moon, to feel those positive feelings again as I prepare to look ahead once more. 

I realized that according to my standards, I’ve done so much over the past couple years, and I know that the one thing that makes me happy no matter what is the thing I’m doing right now on this page. I know at least one thing as I try to pick myself up and push forward again, and it’s this: I want to keep writing. I also want the reason to be for the sake of the enjoyment of the craft, and not for all the pressure I unknowingly put on myself from time to time to schedule creativity and to try to be great overnight. That’s not what I embarked on this journey for. And I owe it to myself to do it because I love it. 

It really is true that creatives are fighting the good fight; they take the loneliest and most challenging roads, all for the sake of their dreams. They know what it’s like to be in the mud with no one to believe in them but themselves. While the world looks on from the path of least resistance, the creative and passionate people in the world are sacrificing everything to do what they love because they love it. That’s a fire that isn’t as common in the current day and age, where just doing the easy and practical things has so much appeal because who really wants to try anymore? 

I think from a young age I always tried to be me but I didn’t see it until I was older because nobody else was encouraging me to be different. I think that desire just remained dormant inside me, until I grew up and started to see the world for what it really is. Whatever the case may be, I know that these last couple years have taught me so much about what I really want out of this short life of mine. I want the love and support of the authentic few and I don’t want any part of that superficial noise from the world outside that has stifled my inspiration up to this point to a crippling degree. I want to speak my mind and believe the things I believe without being judged for it to the point where it’s a slight on my character instead of a mature discussion about a topic. I want to live in mine and Caleb’s best interests whether that means living in a box or a mansion on a coast or in a forest. I want to do what I’m good at and keep taking care of myself and tackling my goals in the positive and healthy way I already have been for the last two years. And above all, I want the power of choice over anything I see fit that will impact my life, unimpeded by the pressure of the rest of the zoned out and miserable world filled with people who have no idea what they want, and who will never try to fight the good fight to have those things. 

For those that find joy in the simple life out there, more power to them for knowing what they want. There’s a path for everyone. I just demand the respect that I’m owed for the path that I chose for myself. But the only unacceptable path out there, in my opinion, is the one where you don’t try to learn and to grow if that’s what you want to do in this life. The amount of knowledge gained and growth accomplished is subjective, but the journey is the same across the board. You have to make a choice with passionate conviction. You have to hit the lonely road and do the impossibly hard work that no one is going to do for you. And you have to do it for yourself. Otherwise, you might as well get used to doing what the rest of the world wants and expects from you.