08/29/2022: Getaway Day 1 (Nancy)

I so desperately need nature and the rain. It’s impossible to come by in the distractions and noisiness of the city, where it never rains and there is no peace and tranquility of the woods. There is a lot that one can’t realize about oneself, or improve upon, in the midst of the daily mundane hustle and bustle of the concrete jungle. I find myself going through a time of growth that is easily the hardest personal journey in my life thus far, and I can’t help but feel so lost and alone. I think about all the people in the world who will never embark on a journey like this, and that will waste away at their miserable jobs and in their lives only to be crippled by debt and despair at the end. The harsh truth that I’ve realized recently is that a lot of people will suffer this very fate, and some may not even realize, or worse, may not even care. 

All I know is that if you claim to be on the path of betterment but you are still negatively affecting those around you then you must re-evaluate your thoughts and actions. Your road to self actualization shouldn’t impede on the roads of others. It’s hard to be honest with yourself, to learn to love who you are when you look in the mirror or when you are alone with yourself and your thoughts. But it is also unacceptable to live a lie and try to be someone you’re not because the people around you make you feel pressured to do so. In other words, if you don’t wish to improve and you are content with your station in life, don’t make those who seek a better life and mental state feel lesser than because of your shortcomings or lack of interest in changing mentally, physically, or emotionally. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always apologized for and forgave others’ shortcomings on their behalf, knowing that otherwise problems wouldn’t be resolved. So few people, even those you think are your friends, and even perhaps those who you call family, are able, or willing, to see things from any point of view other than their own, and to accept their faults in a situation. I’ve always felt like it was easier to take the blame and find a solution or a path forward in a situation with a friendship or relationship because I knew that no one else ever would, and at least that way there was a clear path forward despite the fact that I blamed myself for things that were not my fault, but rather accepted the faults in others that people refuse, or simply do not see. I realize now how much of a detriment this behavior was to my esteem and personal growth, and I am now, for the first time, wholeheartedly accepting that these people I have fought so hard to protect were never worthy to be in my life. 

The time I wasted making up excuses for others and not taking care of myself, or not standing up for myself, I’ll never get back. This time in my life is so lonely because I’m finally seeing everything for what it was my entire life, and I don’t have anyone to lean on when the day is done, because I realized I needed to remove things, and in this case people, from my life that were impeding my efforts to love myself and to improve. It turns out by doing so that there really isn’t anyone left, and that fact alone is enough to shake me when I’m sad and alone and need someone. At first I want to think that I must be at fault because every chance I have at friendship, something always cuts it off short; there must be something wrong with me because this always happens. 

But I realize now that I’ve learned what I really need and want for myself is not aligned with what I thought I needed and wanted, and also that I didn’t choose good people to surround myself with. I know now that it’s okay if people have different points of view, different experiences and journeys, and that I can exit a situation or a relationship gracefully if it no longer serves me, or never served me to begin with. I wish I knew this sooner, but I’m also glad that I am finally realizing it and really accepting it after all these years. 

Put simply, people come and go, and always will; there will be those who keep you from growth or who do not seek growth themselves; the only people who are worth your time are those you deem worthy of your time, and you can always do what is best for yourself guilt free. Especially if the people in your life only conjure hardship, guilt and grief. It’s not my job to change anyone, and vice versa. And it should never be that way. So today and moving forward, I choose to be selfish with myself and my time and to be very selective with whom I choose to share myself and my time with because the next person would do the exact same thing without so much as a second thought or a passing glance. 

I’m done being sorry for living my life and going on the journey I’m going on. I will not put my happiness and success into anyone’s hands except for my own, as I’ve done so many times before. I will put this hyperactive mind to work, pushing myself to learn, grow and improve for myself first and foremost, and then for the people I hold close and most dear, as they are the ones who have made me see the truth and they never left or turned on me. I do this for myself and them and I will not apologize when I shouldn’t, will not wait and desperately hope for people I care about to change, and will not waste another minute regretting or worrying about the choices I’ve made for the sake of others who didn’t think twice before they selfishly put themselves first and were quick to disregard me. I hope they are happy living whatever their version of a best life is, and I hope to never let anyone get in the way of my life again.