03/24/2023: Growth

Growing older is odd. Maybe just growth is odd in itself when you look around you and realize that everyone else is falling behind. Then you realize it’s not that they’re falling behind, it’s that you have moved forward and they have stayed in the same place. It’s hard to realize this, and it’s not an arrogant thing. It’s almost a lonely thing.

To feel as if no one understands what you say, or cares about what you feel passionately about. To feel as if no one can see or appreciate your growth. I’ve realized it’s because people who are not actively seeking change in their own lives are incapable of supporting or comprehending something they can’t understand. They stay in their own worlds that they’ve built and have grown accustomed to.

I’ve been feeling strange about things I used to never think about, and I feel stronger in my opinions and beliefs and why I have them. All of this rambling to say, it feels very weird to move forward and for everyone else to stay put. You’ve changed, but they haven’t.

I’ve had to just do my best to put these thoughts out of my mind to focus on myself and to let others be themselves as well. When someone has a strong opinion, I have to accept that it’s okay to agree to disagree and it’s not worth arguing or defending if I truly believe it or accept it. This makes it a lot easier, but it doesn’t completely remove the space between. 

I think if we can find at least one person that thinks like we think, someone who can grow alongside us as we find ourselves, then we have accomplished a wonderful and impossible feat. I’m lucky I have found my one. I can accept the world, my friends, my family as they are knowing there is a like minded person out there who loves and supports me, and I him. The whole thing is weird and kind of lonely but also liberating so it’s all scary and good and confusing all at once. But it’s the price of growth: seeing the world through a wider lens, a more understanding and accepting lens for what is, what isn’t, what can never be. 

I love my life and the people in it, and if they feel fulfilled then who am I to ask them to seek more? I will continue to be there for each and every one of them, no matter what. It’s just part of life. But I will not sacrifice everything I’ve accomplished for myself in order to do this, as long as there is a fair compromise in the middle ground, and as long as I can continue to learn and grow.

I’ve come too far to go back to where I started; that’s not an option now, not up for discussion. I know a lot of people don’t think this deeply about these things, but I believe that’s why I’ve grown so much over the years. And this may be the difference between me and the people who haven’t grown at all. But as long as we can coexist as we always have and not impose opinions or beliefs on the other out of selfishness or stubbornness, I can learn how to balance these new feelings, and maybe I can learn how to not view the situation or topic of growth as lonely or scary. My mind is often heavy with thought on the matter.