04/12/2023: Until Next Time
I’m starting to return back to myself again for the first time since the trip. I always get lost when I have to face the real world after a weekend of solitude. It’s something I can’t explain or very much understand myself.
My life is always good and things are always going decent or fine until I escape to nature and realize how much I’ve lost touch with reality, the things I want more of in my life. It’s so easy to become numb; it’s terrifying how we become part of the mundane routine so quickly.
My heart aches today as I remember our escape to nature. It was a picture perfect arrival. It was pouring down rain, our cabin tucked away down a wooden gravel filled staircase that wound through the beautiful trees. It was a scene like no other. The sound of rain on the roof of the cabin and the rain streaked window pane were the greatest medicine and comfort as we talked the afternoon away, time not of the essence for once, in a place where these societal constructs don’t matter in the slightest.
In some ways, this lack of care for time made the days last longer. But as we settled into the temporary normal, time began to fly even if we weren’t conscious of it. It was heartbreaking when I began to hear the distant clock ticking, reminding me that there was a world outside of there that was attempting to creep back in, to snatch me away from the place I really wanted to be, where I really wanted oh so desperately to stay.
It’s always a crippling reality to have to face. I would give away everything, give up everything, to run away forever. I hear Mother Nature trying to call to me, but I’m too busy. I feel her pulling me but I stay in the same place. All I can do is apologize to her, to thank her for the time she gave me but to also promise her I haven’t forgotten her. Until next time, I tell her as time starts to move faster.
My fear of losing precious time gets worse every time I have to leave her. I’m still trying to find a place I can go be with her when I can’t be out there. I’m still searching. Maybe this week-long trip home that I’m taking will help me find what I’m looking for. I take time in the real mundane world to try to ground and center myself mentally and emotionally so that I can be everything nature needs of me when I return to her in the future.
I know this is also important to my personal growth. All I can do is my best, for myself, for now. I know I have to play my part in the world but remember to keep the balance between my busy life and the time in nature I so desperately need to feel whole. I’m doing my best. I hope I continue to improve.