04/28/2023: Tired

I’m honestly just tired this week. My brain feels like it’s half on, like I’m just struggling to make the most of my days because my mental is in a fog. After spending a week at home, I knew the first week back to normal was going to be challenging. The goal was to just make it through the week and I suppose I can say that I did. 

I just didn’t feel adequate in some things, even though I did things and tried my best. I think I just needed a week to be tired. It’s okay. Things have just been so busy and I’m happy when I don’t have something to think or worry about right now. 

I know I did well in some areas, and I know it’s not a testament to who I am or how I’m doing in general. I’m still improving and I’m still trying. I’ve just reached a point where I need to take a break and recharge so I can be what I need to be to continue improving and feeling fulfilled. I’m trying to finally get excited about my trip of a lifetime, but at the same time the stress that comes from preparations makes me anxious. 

I just want everything to fall into place, and I’m ready to finally be on my way. There are too many unknowns in life. In a mere month’s time so many things can happen. I try not to think about this much because it will surely overwhelm me. But I can’t help it. It would be perfectly fitting for something to happen before I get to go on the trip of my dreams. 

Life can be funny that way, and I’ve always had a knack for bad timing. It’s more than coincidence at this point. But I know all I can do is keep planning and anticipating until the time comes where I can or can’t go. The fact I’ve waited six years for this dream to become a reality, and to be so close, I just don’t want anything to ruin it for anyone involved. 

I fear with each passing moment that any moment could be the moment my life changes forever. Everyone is getting older, and the clock is ticking.