06/07/2023: To Wondering and Wandering
I didn’t realize I had gone so long without writing. I feel bad about this, like I wasted precious time, yet when I think about my headspace lately I can see why I didn’t write for so long. I went through a noticeable drought. My inspirations stopped flowing and for some reason I was scared. Whatever my reasons, I decided it was a good time to take a step back so I could gain perspective on where I am and where I want to go.
I figured before my trip was the best time. I got to get away and see the world, and it was the greatest experience. It made me realize some things I want in my life moving forward, and some things that I do not want anymore. I want to make the most of my time and my days as a whole. I want to continue to see the world and to always wonder and wander.
What I don’t want is for this beautiful life to pass me by before I have had a chance to take it in and experience it. I know I’ve said it multiple times, but this time I mean it: I don’t want to waste time and guilt catering to others who don’t have dreams or goals anymore. I have spent the vast majority of my life accommodating everyone else around me, and made to feel bad when I chose to put myself first.
It took me all these years to stand up for myself. I’m only sad that I didn’t start sooner. Every time I look back, I only see myself breaking my back for others while they carry on and be themselves, not caring if they cause me any sort of harm. Why is it that now that I’ve started to be myself that the world has problems with that? Just because I got a late start in life, suddenly I’ve changed?
I know the truth is that everybody else has decided not to grow or change, and now that I am morphing into a better version of myself, it makes others uncomfortable and makes them feel like I am changing, like they can’t recognize me anymore. But choosing not to change would mean sacrificing everything I’ve been working so hard to achieve the past few years, and letting the world win.
The rest of this year is going to be a lesson in boundaries and letting people go who do not enrich my life in any way. The bridges burned will not be mended, and I will be selective with who, or what, I build ridges for moving forward. If it isn’t productive and doesn’t inspire growth, I’m not interested in nurturing it. I can’t be sorry for that any longer.
As the world sits back living the same mundane life they’ve always lived, I’m going to make something of myself and this life while I’ve still got the time. I’m not doing this for a lasting legacy. I’m doing this in order to get the most out of my one shot at this life that I have. I won’t get another. No more excuses. I’m ready.