01/25/2023: Things I Dreamed About Once

I feel like I’m trying to find myself again. Lost with no direction even though I finally made it to the point where I can work toward achieving my dreams and do what I want to and need to do. Things have been busy since the end of last year and things are finally somewhat starting to normalize, but I feel confused and empty. I think the weight of the fact that we could really make a future for ourselves doing what we love is currently overwhelming. I want to succeed, and I don’t want to let anyone down, especially myself. 

Being stuck at home doesn’t help me, in large doses I realize. It cripples inspiration some days. But I am glad that I finally got to start my next journey for the year this week and I can’t wait to see where I am next year. I believe I’ll be in a much better place goal and dream wise then. 

I have to start being more selfish with my time when it comes to putting the hard work in to realize my dreams. And I also have to fiercely protect the sacred time I do get with the love of my life. I know the reason I feel strange and sad is because we haven’t had time to give to each other the way we need. I think we miss each other and get lost in the mess of the busy schedule and nonstop obligations. 

On top of this, people won’t stop persisting and inserting themselves into our lives when we just need a break, and I’m worried about how I come off to family and friends for being distant and isolated. Some instances can’t be helped, but a majority of them most certainly can. The reason we made the decision to uproot our lives again was that we wanted to do something for ourselves for once, to get one step closer to the future we have envisioned for ourselves. I want to protect it with all of my being, and I always fear we’ll run out of time and might not ever get there. 

I must keep striving and working overtime to realize our dreams, or I won’t forgive myself. This is what we were meant to do all along, and we’re just now realizing it after countless years wasted. There were still pivotal times over those years, so all can’t be lost. We still learned and grew an exponential amount over that time, and I think there’s a bittersweet aspect to the fact that we had to discover who we truly are on our own so many years later. That we didn’t have the proper support and guidance when it came to the things we were truly good at, the things that made us truly happy, the things that made us who we really were all along. 

I am happy with how my life has turned out so far, and I wouldn’t do a lot of things different, except I would have pursued something I was actually passionate about or good at despite the lack of support I received because of concerns of making a decent living for myself in this corporate rat race of a world. There are echoes, or ghosts, of past dreams that occasionally cross my mind, and these thoughts and memories always stir a pang of sadness, regret and longing in me about the things I dreamed about once but now will never pursue or accomplish. 

I was going to be a marine biologist. I was going to be a veterinarian. I was going to be a child author. I was going to be a teen author. I was going to go to college for graphic design at the same school that Caleb went to. I was going to get a job as an artist and animator at Pixar. I was going to be a photographer for National Geographic. I was going to be an art therapist. I was going to get my PhD and become an experimental psychologist. I was finally going to go back to art school and pursue Film and Video so I could really become an animator this time. I finally decided I was going to take my GRE and go back to school for Psychology for real this time. I decided I would finally give in and get a big-girl job in the real world where all the practical and miserable people live. I decided to uproot my career without a plan and get out before the real world destroyed me and stole my spirit. I decided to stay home indefinitely and to realize all along I was supposed to be putting myself first and taking care of my mental health so I could find myself again and figure out what I really wanted after a life of confusion and indecision. 

I finally woke up and realized that I could never let another person’s influence and opinion of what they thought I should do with my life impact me in such a way that I hang up every dream I’ve ever had for practicality’s sake. That’s when I found art and creativity again, and the potential and possibility of something finally coming to fruition in a place I never dreamed of, the place I had been all along. When I think back on my life, all I ever did was play games, read, write and draw. I was always imaginative and full of inspiration, and somehow I lost it until now. I’m trying to remember how it felt to be creative and to be passionate and to feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. 

As a kid, everyone tells you this is obtainable. Then all of a sudden you’re grown and your cheerleaders and your heroes become shockingly human. They become cynical and pessimistic, they play it safe and become guarded. I realize now that I’m older, most of the time people never chase their dreams or figure out who they are. They just play their role in life and never question whether or not they’re doing or believing in things because they want to do it or believe in it. 

Every time I go out into the world and observe and listen, I have this unbearable feeling of pity and oftentimes anger and annoyance towards people and their lack of awareness of the world around them or how they carry themselves. I just want for the world what I have finally found for myself: self worth, kindness, love, awareness, passion for something, and most of all self actualization, or at least an active attempt to reach self actualization. 

It’s definitely scary and very hard to go on this journey; it’s vulnerable and completely against the norm. Now that I have had a taste of the abnormal and atypical, it’s all I want to strive for. Everything the world stands for in general is the polar opposite of what I want to stand for. I want to run from what is expected of me as fast as I can because it is the reason that it has taken me so long to realize where I’m supposed to be. I’m sick of being asked what I’m going to do with my life and I’m tired of people having critical things to say, or maybe even hypocritical things to say, about my decisions in life, down to where I choose to live. 

People think they were heaven-sent to tell you how to live your life. Meanwhile, those people literally never practice what they preach. And if you do not make a decision that considers or benefits them, they become very vocal about it and it can make one feel unsupported and like you’re a heartless person at times. My job in this life is not to cater to others and throw my happiness to the wayside. I refuse to do that anymore. The hardest thing I’m going through is the act of trying to tell the people around me that it’s time for me to live my life finally and that they have to understand that. I can’t bend to everyone’s will anymore before I bend to my own. 

We’re just going through another hard period of growth right now, which is why I’m feeling so strange. I’m struggling to find the balance. But I hope that once I get another couple weeks under my belt that things will become more clear and I will feel less confused and empty. I look forward to seeing what this year will bring for the two of us. I think it’s time for some good karma to come our way.