01/31/2023: Winter

Winter is in full swing. The calm, cold stillness in white is always a beautiful sight and feeling. The cold chills to the bone and clears the cloudy mind. I always think of the memories of my youth when it snows. I associate this weather with family, fun, and simpler times, my only care in the world getting frostbite from going outside all afternoon to build the world’s biggest snowman. 

Now snow means car trouble, no one can get to work, and there is a feeling of pending doom as we hope the power stays on. It’s nice only if these things don’t occur. On the mature and ever aging side of youth, life is a lot more particular, unforgiving and unkind. I’m lucky to be healthy and to be surrounded by love from my friends, family and husband. 

I’m feeling less sad and lost since last time I wrote. I always have to reassess and get my bearings again before embarking on a new journey; it’s my way of checking in with myself and reevaluating where I am and where I want to be. I have a clearer view of what I’m going to be immersed in this year and it gets easier and more familiar every day. I’m still very grateful for this opportunity to do what I want to do. I can’t squander this chance. I’ve got so much life and time I didn’t have access to before, and the possibilities are endless. And of course it means nothing without the one I love. 

I have to keep on going for his sake and mine so one day our dreams will be realized. So close yet so far all the time. But I’m really trying and I’m content with the path that’s laid out before me. I’ve got more than so many others, and I know there’s always someone out there who has it worse than me. I hope they find some warmth and peace in this bleak midwinter. 

I have missed writing, even though I don’t always have things to write about that are truly riveting. I think this is important because I need an outlet from which to assess my mental health and see what is bouncing around in my brain; all the turmoil and all the mundane things, even the happy things. I think that giving myself a personal platform will help open the floodgates in other areas of my life and start the creative thoughts flowing again. I’m itching to start, but still hesitating for some reason. 

It’s just been a while. I know I still have it in me. It’s funny how you come back to the things people tell you that you’re good at and have a future in. If only I could have seen through the lens then that I see the world through now. Things could be so different now based on one thought that came sooner, one decision that was made later.