04/10/2024: What If?

I’m back from my big trip home. I think it was the perfect amount of time away, and the distance between my old and new homes allowed my heart to grow fonder. I got to see my old friend, and celebrate her special day, and I got to spend some quality time with my loved ones. 

I missed my love dearly too, and I’m glad to be back home with him. I think we both did better being apart this time, but I’m not sure what the cause was. I hope it has something to do with the fact that we’re in a place now that doesn’t make him feel trapped when I’m away. He keeps the car and is able to walk anywhere he needs to and I think that helps keep him from being stressed all alone in a small bubble. 

Whatever the reason, I’m happy he was okay the majority of the time I was gone. He finally got to go to a live drawing class, and I think his horizons will only be broadened from there. I know we both wish for a simple and instant solution, but I’m scared there is none. But I keep having daydreams about our future, how promising it looks. 

If we had it our way, we would be here right now, soaking up the sunshine and doing the things we love together. But I’m sitting here alone while he works his day job. He gave me the most selfless gift when he told me I should pursue my dream. He gave me time to devote to my growing craft and every day when I see that he’s sad or white-knuckling through everything I just want to make his troubles go away. 

I want him to be able to quit his job and to spend his days getting lost in creativity and passion. He smiles each day I’m with him even now, but I know if his dreams could be realized and we could just be together that he’d have so much more to smile about. I hope to figure this thing out soon, one way or another.

An opportunity has fallen into our laps to get where we want to go sooner, but it would come at a cost. But it depends on how you look at it. We could be debt free within the year, and could be working less demanding jobs that pay less money now, or we could take the gamble on life, hope we live to retirement and maybe reap the benefits then. 

But I just can’t stop asking myself: what if we die tomorrow? What if we could have been living the dream day to day all this time but instead we just waited to die? We’re all going to the same place one day, and I have no idea when that day will come for us. Right now is all we have.