05/08/2024: Ticking Clock

We finally tackled and accomplished a few big financial goals, and seem to be on track for the rest of this year. I’m over the moon about it, and I hope that it causes less money stress. I let my mind run wild with future possibilities, nearer and more possible now than they’ve ever been. But at the same time I’m afraid those things will never come. 

Sometimes I’m scared that we aren’t the same young and hopeful people we once were. Nothing comes as easily anymore, and our lives revolve around adult obligations and unexpected debts. We took the step we did so that we could be free to do what we wanted, but what if our want to be comfortable is stronger?

I don’t want to feel trapped at this age, when there’s so much more ahead, so many adventures to be had. Due to all the mandatory responsibilities as of late, I’m left with little energy to want and to plan. And I hate that feeling. 

Some days I can just hear the clock ticking on the things I want to do, the places I want to see. Where I want to end up. But I’m still in the same place. I hope things stay relatively calm for the time being; it’s already been a long year and we’re not even halfway through. 

There was a lot of new, a lot of adjustments through our move and the new job. It’s natural to feel burned out after all that. But I don’t want that to take away my spark for adventure and happiness. I don’t want this to be all we do. That’s not why we took this leap, but I’m afraid we might become stagnant here soon enough if we’re not careful. 

So much is always going on to the point where it’s hard for us to plan our own things, and lately I feel like I’m to blame for this. Life is just happening, but I feel embarrassed for wanting things right now. I feel like I always open my mouth at the wrong time and ruin nights. And that old doubt that I have terrible timing in life in general is creeping back up. 

I feel like I’m too much, that my joy and desire to live life is too much. It feels like I can’t love my life because others hate theirs. And there’s nothing I can do to help them, so that makes me feel even more helpless. I don’t feel like I deserve the time I’ve been given to pursue my dreams. That I’m just an imposter and a mooch to the ones that are out there working hard.

What if after all this searching, I just don’t have a place in this world after all? It’s not like I’m more unique or special than anyone else.