07/31/2024: Nothing Means Anything

I finally feel like my full self again. I forget how long it takes for me to recharge until we have a long busy stretch and I don’t get any rest. But I feel fully present this morning and the day is before me. I just printed off the first draft of another story and I finished my edits for another story. Today I’m trying to figure out if I’m going to blaze the trail and start something new or just revel in the peace and the feeling of a job well done for the first time in two weeks. 

A part of me is always chomping at the bit to keep it moving, but I can never quite shake the little voice inside me that tries so desperately to get me to recharge before I jump to the next thing. The pull of both sides of me feels pretty equal right now, so I’m just sitting here waiting for an answer or some kind of inspiration to come. Either way I know I’m starting back tomorrow. My love gets to go back to art class tonight for the first time in forever, and he’s been working hard. 

Even at work where he seeks no recognition, he always gets praise for the work he’s doing. I told him I can see his greatness even when he doesn’t try or doesn’t see it. He exudes so much more goodness than he realizes, and now I understand that saying about looking through peoples’ eyes. If he could see through mine, maybe he would love himself a little bit more. 

All I can do is tell him and show him, and I’ll just have to hope that’s enough. And so I show up every day and do my best, not only for me but for him, because he’s doing the same for me and I know the pressure is always on. And the sooner we realize our dreams the better, but even on those normal days when those dreams still feel just out of reach, I couldn’t be happier that I get to spend those ordinary days with my best friend. 

Day in and day out, we have each other, and if I don’t get anything else in my short life, I hope to have these ordinary days with him for as long as I can. Nobody else can make me smile and laugh every single day, or hold me like he does when the days are done. I wouldn’t trade any of it even if I was offered my dreams on a silver platter. Because those dreams mean nothing without the journey we’re going on together to achieve those dreams, and nothing means anything without him. 

I’m grateful for how far we’ve come, and I’m excited about where we’re headed. When the time is right, I have to believe it’ll all come together.