09/25/2024: The Same Inner Narrative

Sometimes I love a day or a thing so much that I don’t know what to do with it. Some mornings I wake up ready to tackle the same routine, and that’s enough. But other mornings I wake up with an excitement that I can hardly contain, and I just want to do and enjoy it all. 

But then I realize just how much time I have after all the routine things I set out to do and I start to panic about how and what I could possibly squeeze in and enjoy to my heart’s content without neglecting something important.

I know it’s a little absurd to feel like I have so little time when I’m at home all day doing what I love. But I love so many other things too and I wish that I had the luxury of spending an entire day now and then just doing those meaningless fun things that I’m so passionate about. 

As I meditated this morning, the instructor mentioned how we get used to waking up to the same routine and the same inner narrative day in and day out, and how this doesn’t leave room for thinking about or trying new things. She ended the session by wishing the listener a great day, and that only fueled my excitement further about the potential this day could possibly hold. 

I’ve got this pent up energy and motivation to tackle my daily routine and yet the thought of abandoning the usual script and doing something different is just as exciting, if not a little more exciting. I know there has to be balance in all things, but I feel as if I don’t allow myself to slow down or have fun when it’s probably more well deserved than I let myself think. 

I’m not doing bad for myself; I’m working hard and I’m doing my best. But I know I have a very long history of not going easy on myself when I could use a little time to breathe and a little kindness. It’s hard to shut out those harsh voices in our heads that tell us we’re never going to achieve our goals, that we shouldn’t even try. But when I hear those voices now, my first thought is, “Where would I be if I didn’t have this? What if these dreams and parts of myself that challenge me and excite me were just gone?”

And because I hate the idea of not being able to pursue the things I love, of not being able to live this fulfilling life I’ve made for myself, I know that no matter what I have to keep going.