10/16/2024: Spinning Obliviously On and On
Lately I’ve been struggling with a feeling of inner conflict, and until now I didn’t know why. But I realized that I’m feeling a disconnect with who I am and what the world expects me to be. There’s a presence of lingering dread and unfulfillment in most of the things I do these days, even though I’m doing what makes me happy. A part of me feels like an imposter, a fraud in my own life.
As humans, we have a desire to be heard and seen, to be supported in what we do. We also can’t help but be self important at times, a little selfish. Sometimes I don’t get to say what I think or what I feel, and I’m forced to conform to external expectations, a false sense of authenticity that’s not truly me. Meanwhile I am silencing a part of myself to appease others.
If others’ accomplishments and desires are important or worth sharing, then so are mine. Yet I choose to remain silent. When I know the words I say will not be understood, or when I know they will lead to an unrelated or unnecessary debate over trivial things, I choose to feign resignation or support for a side I don’t truly want to be on. But I fail to see how that’s fair.
It’s not a feeling or a topic that comes up naturally in conversation with just anyone. There’s only one person I dare speak of these things to, and he is the only one that understands, at least to my knowledge. And so we often find ourselves commiserating together on the subject, together and alone as the world spins obliviously on and on.
If I am considerate enough to praise the achievements and the growth of others in my life, to support them and humor them, then I believe I am within my rights to ask this of those people too. I think this is why, even though I’m fulfilled and happy, I can’t reconcile these conflicting feelings inside; I know I won’t fight for the praise and attention of others. I won’t go against who I am for a shot at the spotlight, no matter how much I want to be heard.
This must be what sets me apart from the rest of the population, and even though it can be lonely I know I must continue to be myself and to find some way not to care. I picture a time in a distant reality where I can be more honest with the world around me, in a place I don’t have to wear the mask you want me to wear. It’s not in my nature to be like you, like everybody else. If I could cut out that part of my biological makeup that cares what you think, that thinks I’m damaged because I don’t think and act like you, I would. But I can’t, so I’m forced to continue on this path I’ve chosen alone, my true self locked inside, for the time being.