11/28/2024: Call It What It Is

As we gather to celebrate with family, I should be happier. But I’m a little under the weather and I just can’t help but think about all the parts of ourselves that we’ll suppress for the sake of being around each other today. 

Even family and friends are capable of showing you what they want you to see if they want to. And so we carry on, ignoring the lingering stares and the whispered words as we try to navigate the tension of the words not yet said. All the while we all know, and we have to pretend that we don’t. 

I wonder what that is, the innate desire and pressure to not be ourselves. I think that’s why it’s so hard for those who set off on life changing journeys, because as they strive for betterment and truth there are always others who meet them with complacency and lies. While some live in the delusion of betterment and fulfillment, others are doing the hard work of self reflection and true growth. I mean, to each their own, but I wish we could call it what it is. 

I daydream about a world where we can all be our true and best versions of ourselves, a place where we don’t get hurt by the supposed “good intentions” of our neighbors and loved ones. But that world doesn’t exist, so we’ll just have to make do with doing what’s best for ourselves and not begrudging others for doing what’s best for them.

For a while now I’ve been thinking about what Caleb and I want. And the only constant, the only thing I know for sure, is that I want us to achieve our dreams, to be able to live our lives and be truly happy. I know that’s all I strive for, all I need. 

It’s hard to block out that noise that swirls around me, voices that question what I’m doing and where I’m going because it looks different from the cookie cutter lives people have chosen for themselves. But at the end of the day I have to remind myself that we can coexist. We can politely accept that others will remain steadfast in their beliefs just as I strive to do. 

As I reflect on the things I’m grateful for today, I’ll be glad that I have my friends, my family, and the love of my life that supports and understands me when the day is done. My life is full, and I am thankful.