12/04/2024: Morning Lattes and Reflections

It’s a new day in a new place. This will be home for the next two weeks. At least I’ve got some sweet dogs to keep me company. 

I’m still under the weather a bit and I’m just wandering through space, hoping to feel better and hoping I’ll find my inspiration again at some point. This time of year is always so busy, and even when I need to slow down I don’t let myself believe that’s okay. Instead I just feel guilty every second that I’m not being productive in some way. I can’t even let myself fully recover from my current ailments without feeling this way. My weary bones ache for rest, yet my mind yearns for creativity and meaningful work. 

It’s been a while since I’ve spent this much time on my own, lost in my own thoughts. It is bizarre, but I find that I don’t mind solitude near as much as I used to. On the other side of that coin, I’m always wishing to share my solitude with the one I share my life with. He’s the only person I can share a room with and feel equally accompanied and left alone to enjoy my own things all at once. We’ve mastered the art of enjoying each other’s company while doing the things we love. I guess that’s why complete solitude still feels a little odd to me; I suppose I prefer mutual solitude more often than not. I look forward to our upcoming time together.

For now I’m going to enjoy the calm of the morning and this amazing homemade latte, and I’m going to see what the day brings. I know I’ll settle in as the days go by and I get used to waking up in a different place. Being here has been great so far, and always makes me think about what Caleb and I want: a place of our own, tucked away in a quaint neighborhood or on our own land, or a home that we could take anywhere. The possibilities are endless, and I just wish that our dreams could become reality somehow. 

I keep thinking about the “drastic change” scenario, and about my recent conversation with a family member. I appreciate that when I doubt myself or what I’m doing that she comes back with a simple, “Why?” And when I say I don’t know, I realize that I’m still not as self actualized as I think I am. I still have room for doubt and I still make excuses when I think I’m saying something others don’t want to hear or doing something others don’t want me to do. 

I know what I want, but I’ve still got a lot of soul searching to do along the way before I get there.