08/23/2023: Birthdays and Angry Thoughts

I’m physically drained this week. Last week was unexpected and I missed out on the last half of it. I was happy to be there for my family of course, but I know that being out of the routine for the better part of a week is why I’m having a hard time. 

I am able to get things done and achieve my goals but it seems to take twice the effort. I have been so drained at the end of every day, and getting back to my fitness routine is always difficult. But I think I’ll feel more like myself as the week goes on. 

I’m trying to get excited about my birthday this weekend, and I hope I can get through this funk by then. Everything has been so demanding lately that I was truly ready for some much needed downtime this year. For once I don't want to do a lot, and I feel bad that I feel that way at the same time my love wants to give me everything because he thinks I deserve it. I want to find the balance between the rest I need and getting out and having some fun on my special day. It will be great and I can’t wait. 

It’s hard to ignore the selfishness and indifference around me though, as people whose birthdays are a month away are greedily planning and eagerly awaiting whatever they can take from us and never intend to give back. People who have never given me a thing - acceptance, gifts, the time of day - expect me to give them the world. The one nagging thing in the back of my mind at just about any given time is this.

I want the selfish madness to stop. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I also don’t want to be hurt as a result of letting people get away with things that are not okay. I’m afraid that one day I will be forced to say or do things that might cause an upset, but it’s hard to imagine the rest of my life being like this. Just because we make more money, just because certain people think they walk on water and are owed something for every day of their existence for being mediocre at best at playing all the roles they play in life. 

I don’t know how people become so entitled, and how they become so comfortable being so entitled, so selfish and inconsiderate the way they come off to other people and how they treat others. Even family. Family isn’t about taking because “that’s what family is for.” It’s about unconditional love, and doing things out of the kindness of your heart without being told. 

Something that has always bothered me is when someone tells me to do something that I was already going to do. If I’m asked or told, especially in an instance of something as trivial as a birthday, I don’t want any part of it. I will continue to remove myself from any situation that involves this problem, and I will speak when I need to.