10/11/2023: Love, Laughter, and Adventure

Lately I’ve been thinking about how much time I have. To do what I set out to do, to love, to live. It’s not something that makes me worry day in and day out, but as I’m enjoying the things I do and the people I spend time with, I can’t help but think about whether or not I’ll get to enjoy these things for a long time yet. I’m simultaneously at peace where I am if there is no tomorrow, and selfish enough to expect to wake up and live another day for a long time to come. 

I read recently that we get used to amazing; we get used to our day to day lives and before we know it life passes by in the blink of an eye. The routine becomes familiar to the point we don’t even pay attention to the things that used to surprise us or make us happy before. I’d like to think that because I’m self aware that this doesn’t happen to me, but I’d be lying if I said that was true. 

I’ve grown accustomed to my new normal, but I can stop and appreciate the beauty in this normal and be happy that I get to get up each day and do what I want to do. There’s nothing wrong with routine or repetition, so long as you’re fulfilled in what you do. 

The last routine I grew accustomed to ruined me little by little, day by day. I remember that desperate feeling all too well. When I realized a miserable routine did not serve me, I was free. I struggled to create a new and healthy normal for longer than I’d like to admit; I should have been happy for a fresh start and known exactly what I wanted from the moment I was free to choose. But unfortunately, knowing something is wrong or hurting you isn’t the same as knowing what to do differently and how to fix it and in turn find yourself. 

I thought I knew who I was until I had time on my hands to consider how little I knew, how little I was myself. That time of my life was absolutely necessary, and looking back I know I can’t blame myself. I just hope that someday soon I will be given the chance to give that love and support back to the person who made my new normal possible, someone who has his own dreams and goals. This is the main reason I get up and give a damn every single day, even when it’s hard. It’s not just about me, and I can make or break my happiness, my drive, my focus. 

Learning that the world is indifferent opened my eyes to the truth: You’re responsible for your own journey, your own happiness. I’ve never felt more like myself, and after about a year or so I can still say that’s true, and the feeling only gets better by the day. I love my life, and everyone in it. I look forward to each day that I do have, or rather, that I’m going to have. I hope those days are filled with love, laughter, and adventure.