12/13/2023: All My Texas Lasts (For a While)

This year is quickly coming to an end and I’m trying to prepare myself. My mind has been overloaded with everything we have to do, and it has been growing more stressful as we get closer to the move. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, like I always do when there are infinite amounts of things to do. 

I feel an unnecessary need to be a perfect wife, a perfect friend and daughter, I guess because I know that I will only be home one more time this year before we start our new lives away from here. I want the move to go smoothly, and I want this Christmas to be the best one yet. I just want to leave on a good note, refreshed and assured that everyone and everything is going to be alright. 

I want to give everyone the quality time they deserve, what they want from us. I know it’s going to be hard for everyone, including me. But soon this new thing will be our new normal, and we’ll adapt to the changes and go back to living life like we always have. I just have to stay calm and enjoy the ride. 

Now the real countdown begins for all my lasts here in Texas, at home. My last holiday of the year, my last month in the state I was born and raised in, and my last visits to my favorite coffee shop in town. My cozy routine is going to change again, but I have to say that despite my stress and fear, I am excited to see what a big new world looks like. 

It won’t feel real until I ask myself when we’re going home and I realize that we are home. I expect some homesickness and a really long adjustment period. My biggest worry is maintaining the parts of my routine that are not negotiable for me, like my fitness routine. Being without equipment, without the comforts of home for potentially a month is an unsettling feeling, especially when I have been struggling more than I have in a long time to get back on track and to fix my diet again. I guess this is the main overwhelming thing for me. 

At this time of year I’m the hardest on myself, and when I’m the most busy, it’s hard to get my days in, to eat what I need to in order to feel better. I keep telling myself that this is the day, only to let myself down again. But this time I want to be for real. I’m tired of letting myself slip. I’ve been slipping all year physically, despite my success with my writing and other aspects of life. 

It’s an odd feeling to be proud and disappointed of and with yourself at the same time. I think I’m just simply out of balance again. I just need a reset and recalibration.