02/22/2023: To the Creative Process

I didn’t know it was possible to be any happier than I already was. I feel myself smiling as I write this. The love of my life has told me to chase my true passion, to write. I’ve learned over the past week that that’s what I was born to do. It only took me my whole life to figure that out. But never figuring it out would be far worse than realizing it late.

I’ve had a blast writing this past week and the ideas have been flowing ever since I started. Silly and dumb stories, heartfelt stories, thrilling stories. I’ve enjoyed writing them all. I still want to go on the art journey and see where it leads, but I’ve accepted recently that I’m not meant to pursue it full-time. Our course may change now that I’ve realized this, maybe it won’t. It may take longer, but that’s okay. For once we are enjoying the now, doing what we love each day. 

I know the rest will come if we keep doing this. Today I’m out at a gorgeous little coffee shop, missing people I can share this with, people who I never see anymore. I do still feel lonely at times, and today is no exception. But I also accept the reality that when you grow up, nothing is as it was; things just change. But it doesn’t mean the real things you have in your life aren’t real. 

You learn to cherish things so much more when you get the rare chance to experience them. I’m scared to get out there; I know that about myself. I’ve just put myself out there enough to get hurt pretty badly, and it’s hard to build new relationships with a track record like mine. I’m much more selective these days, and I just don’t have time for anybody else if I’m being honest, even if there is a level of want involved, a desire not to try sometimes. 

The patience and time trumps my fear, however. I think I’m content with the choices I’ve made and the people I’ve decided to keep around. My circle may be small, so small that maybe it isn’t even really a circle. But it’s enough to get by. I could have way less. 

As I dive in and go on this new journey within the journey, I feel excited and terrified, but I’m so terrified it’s exciting. This fuels me, fills my mind with wild imaginings of what my future could look like, what our future could look like. My family supports me, and my love supports me most of all; he believes in me the most. This warms my heart and makes me feel capable. 

I think I can do it for us. For me. I would regret not trying to go down that road to see where it leads. Here’s to the next milestone as I lean into the creative process.