02/15/2023: Ode to Good Days

It’s one of those days that just feels good. I slept well, I saw my love off to work after having a nice morning with him laughing and joking over breakfast. I’m reading a good book, I got my morning daily tasks done and now I’m settling into the rest of my sacred day for anything I want. My heart is full of love as I remember the night before. It was truly amazing and very much needed. The simple things are always the best. 

Putting thought and heart into these things is what sets them apart from meaningless grand gestures. I’m in a light and sentimental mood, feeling different from yesterday. It was all becoming too much and everything caused frustration and desperation. It was one of those days you just learn to get through. I want to be able to feel differently about life than this because it’s a waste of a perfectly good day to wallow and worry about things that are not in our control. 

When I think about the things that consume my time and thoughts every day, I realize all of those things can always wait. They are not life or death scenarios and I can take my time getting these things done without letting them take control of my whole day. I think the running theme in my life over all these years is learning to have patience and learning to give myself more grace than I’ve allowed myself for slipping up in the past.

I say that people put me on a pedestal and I can’t live up to their expectations. Some people are guilty of this and they don’t hold themselves to the same standards and it is unfair to feel like I have to walk a tightrope every waking moment of my life. I also realize that at times I put myself up on the same pedestal and I blame those who don’t do it when I should be looking inwardly and wondering why I hold myself in such high regard. 

I think I have always strived to be good and do good and I don’t allow myself to be human. Things that are very trivial in the grand scheme of things are life ending things for me. I think I care so much and I just don’t like how I feel when I fail. I have to continue to learn that missing a step doesn’t mean the complete destruction of my life and my character. I have to forgive myself and keep going. I just want to be aware of myself and the things going on around me in a world where people couldn’t care less about staying true to themselves or being decent to other human beings. It’s very important to me. 

Being more aware and active in my own life has opened up a world of possibilities for me and my future. I have desires, dreams and goals again. It’s been such a long time since that was true. I can’t wait to see what comes of this year knowing what I now know and as I continue to learn and grow.