05/24/2024: Pine, CO Day 3

I’m more tired today than usual, but I feel like I’ve had a productive and fun day. We’ve established our little routine out here and it seems to be going smoothly. The weather has still been really nice, and it feels good to open the windows and doors and be in and out throughout the day. 

I’ve been sticking to my creative schedule of writing and reworking and I’m happy to feel accomplished on that subject. I’d like to curl up with a book at some point when I’m not feeling so fatigued. I’m just enjoying the simplicity of existence for now, proud of my creative ventures and resting in between. 

I started my big rework project, piecing together all the individual parts I wrote last year, and with each edit I feel more hopeful that it could be something worthwhile when I’m finished. I seem to still have ideas all the time, and that makes me feel good as well. I know my biggest obstacle right now is mustering up the courage to start sharing my work with the world, and I have been dragging my feet a little. 

In a perfect world I would create, magically get discovered and everything would happen on its own. But I know that’s not how this works. I had a thought today about what I’m hoarding for myself and what I could be sharing with the world, and it’s definitely my writing. But I also asked myself who in the world cares what I do if they don’t even know me? What’s the point if no one is going to recognize my work?

I know that can’t keep me from pursuing this path, though the thought always creeps up in the back of my mind. I also acknowledged the fact that I’m glad to have the support system I do have, no matter how small. And that’s what helps keep me going. Another year from now I plan to have more knowledge and experience from now, and maybe as a result I will gain more supporters. I won’t know until I press on. 

It’s scary to think about, but it’s even more exciting and fulfilling than it is terrifying. I don’t know what I’d be doing or what I’d even enjoy if I didn’t have this creative outlet I’ve been pursuing the past year. And that’s why I know I have to keep going. I have to see this through for myself, for the sake of the dream and all the almosts I’ll regret in my life if I don’t.

Almost won’t be enough, that much I know already, so I know I don’t have any other choice. I don’t want to reach the end and have regrets about not trying at all. Even if it turns out I’m not good enough, I’m going to put everything into it and I’m going to try my hardest and see where I end up.